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The Lonely Friend

by Josh Alvarez

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1.
did you know when you put it on the shelf so many years ago that this would be the start of something new? parallel developments 100 miles away ensure that my heart will be forever true. in any case, i have to say, you saved me from myself. at the times when i felt the most lost, you never stopped reaching out. here i stand, feet firmly on the ground. let’s start a band, we’ll play until our hearts are empty. i’d be damned without you as my friend, i’d be damned... from pompadoured prima donas to basement shows with jeff and all the different lifetimes that we lived inbetween. i’d never say that we’ve seen it all. there seems to be so much left to do. all i can say is that i’m grateful to do all of this with you. here i stand, feet firmly on the ground. let’s start a band, we’ll play until our hearts are empty. i’d be damned without you as my friend, i’d be damned... all the basements in new jersey lead us home and all the places that i’ve ever been i’ve never been alone. we learn the words together an album at a time. we’ll sing along forever. we’ll sing along forever. here i stand, feet firmly on the ground. let’s start a band, we’ll play until our hearts are empty. i’d be damned without you as my friend, i’d be damned...
2.
she had a face that glowed despite the shadows at a time when silent celluloid was walking out the door. she had a dream, her name illuminated. a thousnd watts of stardust to cast her shadow on the screen. take a bow before it all comes crashing down. face the crowd, lena, we still love you. donny never said he loved you no matter how bad we wanted it to be true. both of you always looked so goddamn demure. pantomime the lines ever so convincingly, but forever will come crashing down on you. take a bow before it all comes crashing down. face the crowd, lena, we still love you. i know that things are different but things seldom stay the same. i wonder how the story sounded when you told it. are you the star of your own picture now and tell me, do you sound the same? in these final moments, love captured in a glance. all caught on silent celluloid. you’re still a star to me and i guess there isn’t much left to believe, much less the beauty of an empty screen. take a bow before it all comes crashing down. face the crowd, lena, we still love you.
3.
you don’t have to apologize cause every word is true. every time i hear a lovesong i only think of you. i know bold proclamations are romantic in their own right but i prefer the look in your eyes. i’m nothing without you, my dear. please know my heart’s forever yours. i’ll face the darkness of a thousand nights if it meant i could spend one day with you. every night’s a different song but every note rings true. all those silly little jokes that are only meant for you. i can sing a thousand songs about a million different moments but melodies mean nothing without you. i’m nothing without you, my dear. please know my heart’s forever yours. i’ll face the darkness of a thousand nights if it meant i could spend one day with you. you are at the center of everything i am. like a movie scene that stirs my heart. a whisper in every breeze that calls your name out to me. i don’t belive in destiny or a fate that’s in the stars but i touch the face of the divine when i hold you in my arms. these moments may be fleeting, but they’re never ever lost. they’re burned into my heart and my mind. i’m nothing without you, my dear. please know my heart’s forever yours. i’ll face the darkness of a thousand nights if it meant i could spend one day with you.
4.
Resonate 02:54
the songs we sing, they’re not supposed to mean a thing but to me they always meant the world. melancholy humor mixed with suicidal charm. i can tell by the look on your face this never made any sense to you. but oh, to sing from the deepest part of your soul! we resonate in the darkest hours and the song goes on and on until it leads you home. we resonate in the darkest hours. and the song goes on and on until these days are gone, these days are gone. an anthem for the forgotten ones. a salve for the soul. and all you lonely lovers suddenly aren’t so alone. and oh, to sing from the deepest part of your soul! we resonate in the darkest hours and the song goes on and on until it leads you home. we resonate in the darkest hours. and the song goes on and on until these days are gone, these days are gone. everybody’s looking for connection. a voice to call our own. no matter where you are this song, this song will lead you home. and oh, to sing from the deepest part of your soul! we resonate in the darkest hours and the song goes on and on until it leads you home. we resonate in the darkest hours. and the song goes on and on until these days are gone, these days are gone.
5.
to those we love, our vulnerability shows. this is our comfort, this is our home. from adorable heartaches to emotional earthquakes, we hold together by hope and fear. that’s why we put our faith in patron saints and the healer of cats. a heart that breaks a thousand times or a heart that breaks just once. to take the burden, to take the hurt. the work of crying all the tears. i can’t speak to a calling but i can touch what’s real. that’s why we put our faith in patron saints and the healer of cats. gratitude not granted but we soldier on just the same. we play the roles designed us even though no one knows our names. emotional currency. a costly negotiation. for whom does your heart go out to now? at the end of the day, when you’re beaten and you’re broken, know that your love was not in vain. that’s why we put our faith in patron saints and the healer of cats.
6.
(an american traditional)
7.
these barstools were pews in this chapel of fools where the rebels and the rascals used to gather to drink and be damned on these warm jersey city nights. to take comfort in the presence of friends. given the choice, i would never go back. things were so unsettled back then. those times taught me so much and i’ll never forget how it felt to be with you my friends. we are those who used to drink at uncle joe’s. we know the truths that everybody else wishes they would know. raise up your glasses, there’s still a story left to tell about living and dying in this city of hell. white russian whispers, the bartender is a dove. mixed emotions when push came down to shove. transfixed transients like ghosts of real people. we walked around like a pack of lost souls. sometimes confort comes at the bottom of a drink. and sometimes you need everyone around just to be alone and think. i’ve scratched your name into my flesh. i know in my heart i’ll see you again. we are those who used to drink at uncle joe’s. we know the truths that everybody else wishes they would know. raise up your glasses, there’s still a story left to tell about living and dying in this city of hell.
8.
Canned Goods 03:05
i remember when we used to bring canned goods to shows. it was verse chorus verse to the breakdown and everyone claimed to be underground and the x’s on our hands were the x’s on our souls. i remember when we used to bring canned goods to shows. i remember when new jersey was the center of the world. middlesex played host to youth crews and chaos. the band is breathing fire, they’re all dressed in black. we pounded our chests while we sang from our hearts. i never thought that these days would end. i remember when we used to bring canned goods to shows. i remember when basements held promise in broken pa’s. don’t hit your head on the floorboards or hang from the exposed plumbing. three to five bucks was the sliding scale. the crusties payed with quarters, though they were secretly rich. i remember when we used to bring canned goods to shows. i still believe.
9.
this bitterness comes easy. to easily for you. and every word is drenched in vitriol and cynicism and a smile comes on your face as you tell me how much worse it gets. is this all that i have to look forward to? the sound if your voice is the sound of dying hope and each hreath takes you closer to the grave. i will never see things the way you do and i hopei never will. i hope i never will. why do you keep pushing these tired lines? it’s not enough to know you’re dead inside. you can’t stand the sight of fire behind someone else’s eyes. why must you do this? why must you take this hope? do you feel any better poisoning others with the poison in your soul? why do you keep pushing these tired lines? there’s a consequence to a rhetoric of hope and a rhetoric of hate. all the venom that you spew comes crawling back on you.
10.
11.
we rise with the sun on every other sunday. gonna order eggs, gonna order them our way. brothers in breakfast where coffee is king. at the trolley car diner, doing our thing. men of every creed, breakfast is what you need to give yourself the nourishment to do manly deeds. raise up your coffee cups, help yourself to some donuts, male breakfast indeed. you can order what you wish, a vegetarian dish because maybe you don’t like putside meats. fried fish with cheddar grits, an omelet with bacon bots and stories about big frank taking a shit at brendan’s job. men of every creed, breakfast is what you need to give yourself the nourishment to do manly deeds. raise up your coffee cups, help yourself to some donuts, male breakfast indeed.

credits

released December 8, 2017

all songs by josh alvarez except ALL YOU FASCISTS BOUND TO LOSE, an american traditional, and MIDNIGHT RADIO, taken from the musical “Hedwig and the Angry Inch”, written by jonathan cameron mitchell and stephen trask.

additional vocals by jess vadino, charles smith the third and bk the broiler.

drums by steve roche.

recorded august - november 2017 at permanent hearing damage by steve roche.

cover photograph by meilani georgis.

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Josh Alvarez Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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